Finding Joy: The Ultimate Quest After Shattered Dreams

Joy is the most complex state to reconnect with when one's world is shattered. You can fake happiness with a smile, but true joy comes from the deepest parts of one's soul.

This was the subject of our discussion during my therapy session today, a topic that weighed heavily on my mind and heart. I started our session by articulating the profound sense of emptiness and hopelessness that has taken hold of my thoughts. This pervasive feeling seems to cloud my entire existence right now. I delved into the challenges I face when it comes to writing and sharing my innermost feelings, expressing how these tasks have become monumental struggles rather than the natural outlets they once were. Each word feels like a mountain to climb, and the act of putting pen to paper—or fingers to keys—has transformed from a meaningful endeavor into a daunting chore. I described the daily grind I find myself trapped in, a monotonous loop that has become my routine. I wake up each morning, often feeling as though I am rising from a fog, and the first thing I do is walk my dog, a small act of normalcy that brings a fleeting sense of purpose. After that, I make my way to the kitchen to brew a cup of coffee, hoping that the caffeine will spark some motivation within me. Yet, instead of feeling invigorated, I often find myself mindlessly scrolling through social media, lost in a digital world that offers temporary distraction but no real solace, (Honestly, no one finds any solace in scrolling social media these days) As I continue to recount my day, I mention the appointments I have, which serve as reminders of the responsibilities I must fulfill. Yet, they do little to alleviate the weight of my emotional burden. After attending to those obligations, I find myself walking the dog again, a ritual that provides a brief escape from my thoughts but ultimately leads me back to the same feelings of inadequacy and frustration. Throughout the day, I attempt to engage with my emails and phone calls, mainly from my agent, who persistently encourages me to complete my writing assignments and finish my book. Their expectations loom over me like a dark cloud, intensifying my sense of failure as I struggle to string together coherent sentences. The cycle continues, and I walk the dog again, feeling increasingly despondent that I cannot express my thoughts clearly or produce anything of value. This repetitive loop of activities highlights the disconnect between my physical actions and my mental state, illustrating a profound struggle that I hope to unravel in our sessions.

Today, during my therapy session, my therapist skillfully unraveled a complex thought that had been lingering in my mind for quite some time, ultimately leading me to a profound epiphany. He remarked, "It's because you no longer entrust your heart to others." In that moment, I felt a rush of clarity wash over me—ding, ding, ding!!! It was as if a light bulb had illuminated the dark corners of my mind where confusion and fear had taken root. This revelation struck me deeply, prompting me to reflect on how I have built walls around myself to protect my emotional well-being. The more I sat with this insight, the more I realized that my hesitance to be vulnerable stems from a profound fear of being hurt again, particularly by the relentless internet trolls who have exacerbated my struggles with PTSD. Their harsh words and cruel judgments have left scars that linger, making it incredibly challenging for me to open up and connect with others without the looming fear of judgment or ridicule.

As I delved deeper into this realization, I recognized that vulnerability is a double-edged sword; while it can lead to genuine connections and healing, it also exposes me to the risk of pain and betrayal. The trolls, with their anonymity and their capacity to inflict emotional harm, have created a toxic environment that makes it all the more daunting to share my thoughts and feelings openly. Each unkind comment or dismissive remark is a stark reminder of the potential consequences of letting my guard down, reinforcing a sense of caution that looms over my interactions. The fear of judgment, ridicule, or misunderstanding often looms more prominently than the desire for connection, creating a difficult barrier to breach. In many ways, this cycle of fear and self-protection has stifled my growth and prevented me from forming truly meaningful relationships. When I started Fabulously Fighting, the tribe of women I had in my life filled me with so much joy and a sense of belonging that I had longed for. Together, we shared laughter, tears, and stories that brought us closer, creating a bond that felt unbreakable in those moments of shared vulnerability. However, as time progressed, I realized that not all connections are meant to last, and some friendships can take unexpected turns that lead to heartache. And as much as I want to share the tumultuous ending of some of those friendships, I am just not ready to share. I am not prepared to share the past two years of my life that have left me feeling raw and exposed, grappling with the emotional fallout of lost connections and the scars they left behind. These experiences have taught me that vulnerability, while essential for authentic relationships, often comes with the price of emotional exposure. I find myself caught in a paradox where the very act of opening up can lead to both liberation and pain. The lessons learned from these trials have been profound, yet they also weigh heavily on my heart. I know that in order to heal and move forward, I must confront these feelings, but the thought of revisiting those painful memories feels overwhelming. It almost feels impossible at times.

The journey of self-discovery unfolds as I navigate the complexities of trust, disappointment, and the longing for genuine connection. Ultimately, I hope to find the courage to share my story when the time is right, allowing the healing process to take its course and perhaps inspire others who may be grappling with similar struggles.

Fabulously Fighting has served as my platform to share my cancer journey, openly discuss my mental challenges, and connect with others—ten years of sharing my life, my words, and my heart. I truly believe my soul is filled with joy, but the scars are masking the most profound parts. One thing I've learned: Life is a paradox. To heal, you must hurt; to love, you must break open; and to have peace and joy, you must face the chaos. This will not be an easy task; honestly, this has been one of the most challenging times of my life, and I'm comparing that to multiple rounds of chemotherapy and nineteen years of cancer.

Tears stream down my face as I reread my words, each sentence a reflection of my innermost thoughts and emotions, and I try to profoundly finish this article that has become a vessel for my feelings. The weight of my experiences presses heavily upon me, and with every line I revisit, I am transported back to the moments that inspired these thoughts. The ink on the page feels like a lifeline, capturing the essence of my struggles, triumphs, and the bittersweet memories that linger in my heart. As I grapple with concluding my narrative, I find myself overwhelmed by the depth of my emotions, the complexity of my journey, and the desire to convey my truth in a way that resonates with others. Each tear that falls is a sign of sorrow and a testament to the cathartic writing process as I strive to articulate the lessons learned and the hope that remains. This article is not just a collection of words; it is a piece of my soul, and as I endeavor to bring it to a close, I am acutely aware of the responsibility I have to honor my story and the stories of those who may find solace in my experiences.

Therefore, my Fabulous Fighters, please understand that this community brings immense joy to me, yet expressing this is frequently hindered by the intense anxiety stemming from my trauma. And while I continue to focus on my mental health and trusting my heart again, I will continue to bring you along on the ups and downs, finding my joy in the journey of healing.

All my love to you, Fabulous Fighters,

xoxo-Fab